Personal ramblings.

Y fué tan fuerte volver a verte
Sufrí tanto tiempo por ti
Bastó mirarte, recuperarte
Y saber que te irías sin mi

Y fué tan fuerte volver a quererte
Volver a creer en los dos
Bastó mirarte, volver a amarte
Para perderte de nuevo...amor

I should have known that its inevitable to not see Stephen in this city, having the same best friend. I didn't think it was possible to hate a person as much as I hate him, or at least I think I hate him. I dont know. I saw him today, of course. Our mutual friend Eddie came by today and we joked about Stephen coming over for awhile after he told me Stephen said he was going to stop by. I wasnt kidding when I said I would not open the door if I saw him outside of it. Anyway, Eddie came and picked me up and I jokingly asked him where Stephen was since he said he was going to bring him. He said he would never do that to me and I actually believed him, although I had a feeling in my gut that I would end up seeing him by the end of the night. Not a good feeling. So one thing leads to another and he shows up at the same food joint we were all at. Good god I wanted to end my life right then and there. He had the balls to even give me a kiss on the cheek and out of respect I returned it, even though he deserves no respect at all. He was a complete ass throughout the whole night and I refused to even look at him, but I did. Whenever he would ask me something and I would ignore him, he would go out of his way to be a complete jackass and hit the table, and of course the rare times when I would ask him a question he would look at me with hate and answer it as if it were obligated. I dont know what is going on in that little brain of his, but he needs to remember that he did this. He did this when he decided to use me like a fucking pimp. He needs to remember how he hurt me, not how I respect myself enough to not be his friend, therefore leading him to think im the bitch. I hope he messages me later asking me why I act the way i do so I can explode at him and let him know what he did and remind him of the shitty ass things he put me through. I almost hate myself more for missing him too. I had to sit there and listen to him be the funny guy that I fell in love with. I had to hold back the laughter that other wise would make me cry later from how hilarious his stories are. I had to sit there and not look at him when I can see from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me. I had to sit there and listen to him be him. Its hard enough to hear stories about him, not I have to listen to him. Even though I told myself and others numerous times that I did not want to see him, I wanted him to see me. I wanted him to see how hot i am and what he was missing out on. Who he chose over who he lost, and I wanted him to see that im the same vibrant and radiant person without him. He always told me that my spunk was unique and thats why made him fall in love with me, and ever since then I have tried to keep that spunk and uniqueness about me around. I wanted him to see that without him I was still that hilarious, free, and open minded girl he once fell for.

the man behind these words, with his two little cousins.

As much as I hate to admit it, he will always be that guy who has a strong, uncontrollable hold on me. My biggest downfall and the biggest impact anyone will ever make in my life. I dont think any other break up will amount to how bad and deep this one was and its not ok. I want so badly to think that if me and Nick were to break up it would mean more to me than this but the truth is, as of right now it wont, and I dont think anything will ever be. I want so badly for him to vanish from the planet but even that wouldnt erase the memories and the thoughts that came along with this whole mess. Thats what it is, a huge fucking mess that no one will ever understand. I can tell the same story a trillion times and no one will understand why this is even happening. I have tried numerous and countless times to be his friend, because in reality its what I really want. I obviously need him in my life, because even when I try my hardest to keep him out he finds his way back in unconsciously. If hes going to be in it, I want it to be in a postive way. I have tried numerous times and countless years to make it ok between us, to make peace and be friends like we were when we were 10, but whenever it starts to be perfect, it all falls apart. I can say that we wont ever talk again, but I cant make promises.